Chandler Drake Ellisor, his story
December 10, 2009- I took a pregnancy test that was positive, I scheduled my 1st check up with my Dr. who confirmed i was pregnant the following week and gave me a due date of August 14, 2010. The happiest day of my life! I told my family with a picture of an ultrasound on a Christmas card. I had a small amount of spotting on New Years and went back to the Dr. who did an ultrasound and everything was completely normal. At around 12 weeks I had a leak of some fluid, I assumed I had just pee'd on myself, which was not abnormal in this pregnancy since i had back surgery the year prior and was told that pregnancy would have this affect on me! The next appointment was to hear the heartbeat at 13 weeks. The Dr. could not find the heartbeat so he did an ultrasound, that is when we found out I had no amniotic fluid around the baby. He sent us to have another ultrasound and then to a specialist. This was very hard for us to understand. Even harder to understand was that the Dr. told us that the most likely cause of the lack of fluid was because our little baby did not have kidneys. They gave us the choice to wait it out or to have an abortion, this abortion would have had to have been done at a normal abortion clinic because i was not far enough along to have it medically done. So we decided that we would put our faith in God and see what was in store for us. I went back for ultrasounds every 2-4 weeks and every time everything seemed normal, the baby had a good heartbeat, the placenta and umbilical cord, the weight, the length- everything- was normal except there was no fluid.They even saw both kidneys on the ultrasound and renal tissue! We were told each time that it would most likely end in a miscarriage with in the next few weeks. These were the hardest days of my life(at that point anyway). After months more of waiting and having everything stay the same, it finally happened, only at 26 weeks it is referred to as a stillborn. I woke up on the morning of May 12, 2010 to contractions, this being my first pregnancy I was not sure that was it. I called my Dr. and went in to be checked. He sent me straight to the labor and delivery floor where just about 5 hours later Chandler Drake was stillborn. We are not sure at this point what happened, we are waiting on test results. He was the most beautiful baby boy, 2.04 pounds, 13 inches long, a head full of dark brown hair, big bushy eyebrows and blue eyes! I was devistated but tried my hardest to be strong. My heart broke when they came in and told me they could not get a heartbeat, then they dressed his tiny body and brought him to me. At just 26 weeks gestation, i was amazed by how good he looked! It was not how i expected. He was just a tiny baby, precious little angel! I kept him with me for a while and my family came in to see him and sime held him. My heart melted just looking at him and I knew right away that my life would never be the same. Nothing could have prepared me, my husband, or family and friends for his death! Nothing can take his memory away from us and I am sharing his story with you to be sure that he is remembered! He will always be my baby, my mini Rob (He looked just like his daddy). And I am and will always be his MOTHER! I have not gone back to work yet. I try to fill my days with lots of things to keep from going crazy. However as soon as I come home and it is quiet and empty I start to think about the what ifs and would could have been. There is nothing that can be said or done to ease the pain and I'm told that it will get easier in time. That precious little boy has changed my life in so many ways, and I can only hope that it will make me a better person. I am extremely grateful for my family and friends for helping me through this, for listening when i need to talk, for helping me in so many ways that they will never even know!
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2 WEEKS LATER-
At my 2 week check up from Chandler's birth I was told the only findings so far say that it was Potter's Sequence. The Dr. could not tell me much about this, and says he will have more information and the rest of the results with in a month are two. There is some information on the web about this but not a whole lot. Here is what i've gotten so far............
Potter's sequence is the name given to a condition which resembles Potter's syndrome in that although the baby has kidneys, there is little or no amniotic fluid (oligohydramnios). This may sometimes be because the mothers waters have broken in mid-pregnancy, or due to developmental problems in the baby's kidneys or urinary system. In Potter's sequence, as in Potter's syndrome, the baby's lungs are compressed and cannot develop properly. The baby dies of respiratory failure within one or two days of delivery (subnote: although shorter and longer lifespans do exist).
............... I am still so lost and confused! This does not really tell me anything other than what we already knew. We knew there was no amniotic fluid, we knew that the kidneys did develope ( but obviously were not working correctly, either one or both of them) so, here we are still knowing no more about what was wrong with our little ANGEL than we knew prior to delivery! This will be a long month or two waiting on results. Not knowing if it is something that will continue to happen or something that most likely will not. I do not know how I would be able to handle being told that it will happen again! This pain of not haveing my baby to hold, and not having one to hold ever if that happens- I just do not know! Praying constanly and trying to stay busy, to not think about it to much. STRESS!!! What worries me even more is that we are sure my water broke, thats why i had no fluid, and everything else that happened was a result of having no fluid! My Dr's never really say anything about the fact that my water broke so early, so what if the problem was just that! How do I find out why my water broke? And is there even a way to know if that would happen again? How can they tell me anything at all, if it all happened because MY water broke at 12 - 13 weeks? And why is it that the Dr.'s never really mention that? Well I guess I will just have to wait and see, and will post again as i get some information.
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What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6/24/10
Still no word from the autopsy, waiting as patiently as I can. I did get a picture to okay for how Chandler's headstone will be, it is very cute! But it will not be in for another five or six weeks. I go to his grave atleast once a week, sometimes more. Just to tell him i love him and miss him. I am trying to get myself together enough to return to work but I don't know if I am strong enough to do that yet. Rob is pushing it and I know we need the money but I am scared that I will regress because I will not be happy there. We are pulling through this together with our strong family and friends supporting us!
But to make things worse we have been given some more bad new. My brother's cancer spread to the bone in his arm, his lungs, and is also back in his liver. The cancer spread while he was having chemo treatments. He is getting radiation on his arm for two weeks and the Dr is talking to M D ANDERSON cancer treatment center in TX to see if they can help my brother.
At times it is hard to even get up in the morning, and I have not been able to fall asleep at night since Chandler. I lately have been lucky to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. We have been getting my step daughter alot more recently and that really helps alot! Her smile and laugh can make any day better! She makes it worth getting out of bed! I love that little girl so much! I do not know what I would do without her! I know she makes her Daddy's days easier to! I can see him light up when she is here!
I know everyone says things will get easier as times goes on, but I guess I'm just not to that point yet! I just try to keep myself busy so I do not have as much time to think about it, but at night it is all I can think about! I know he is warching over though, and I see dragonflys everywhere I go. I have started to assocciate him with the dragonflys. They started showing up right after his funeral, and made me think of him. Everytime I have gone to grave since then there has been a dragonfly! It really helps! My sister bought me a necklace with his name birthstone and birthday on it. It is one of my favorite treasures(along with his teddy bears and hat from the hospital and his hand and foot prints). It helps wearing it knowing he is always with me! I guess I will update more later.
_________________________________________________________________________
July 14, 2010
Well, there is still no word from the autopsy yet, I hate this waiting to find out! I want to know what went wrong and if it will happen again or not! I got a few more pictures of Chandler from when I first saw him and got to hold him, when we were still in the operating room. I was very happy to see them! I am glad we have those first few moments in pictures to remember it! I have been spending alot of time with family and friends, it helps alot to cope with everything that is going on. We are still waiting to find out about MD Anderson for my brother and praying daily for anything to help us! Chandler's headstone still has not come in yet but me and Paisley went and bought some balloons for him! She picked a tiara that said PRINCESS so that when we released them to go to heaven he would know that one was from his big sitster! We also got a green star and wrote him messages on it with marker and sent it to him. Paisley is very sure that not only will he get them and like to play with the balloons but that Jesus will read him what we wrote on them and give him hugs and kisses for us! I sure hope she is right! It is so nice to hear how sweet she is about him! and she blows kisses and closes her eyes and says "i love you baby chandler, miss you, love you, see you later alligator" It just melts my heart!! I am most likely going back to work in 2 weeks, I still do not want to go back yet, but i guess it is time to start getting back to normal routines and scheduled life! I just hope that it does not make things worse! Rob seems to be doing better these days, He is working alot but i think it helps him deal with everything. We truely are closer than we have ever been and closer than either of us knew was possible, I am not sure what i would do without him here to support me! We have been talking more and more about another child and i don't think we will be waiting a full year to start trying. Not to replace Chandler in anyway, but to help fill a void in our family that we both need to fill with the love, and what better to love than a precious little baby?
__________________________________________________________________________________
2 WEEKS LATER-
At my 2 week check up from Chandler's birth I was told the only findings so far say that it was Potter's Sequence. The Dr. could not tell me much about this, and says he will have more information and the rest of the results with in a month are two. There is some information on the web about this but not a whole lot. Here is what i've gotten so far............
Potter's sequence is the name given to a condition which resembles Potter's syndrome in that although the baby has kidneys, there is little or no amniotic fluid (oligohydramnios). This may sometimes be because the mothers waters have broken in mid-pregnancy, or due to developmental problems in the baby's kidneys or urinary system. In Potter's sequence, as in Potter's syndrome, the baby's lungs are compressed and cannot develop properly. The baby dies of respiratory failure within one or two days of delivery (subnote: although shorter and longer lifespans do exist).
............... I am still so lost and confused! This does not really tell me anything other than what we already knew. We knew there was no amniotic fluid, we knew that the kidneys did develope ( but obviously were not working correctly, either one or both of them) so, here we are still knowing no more about what was wrong with our little ANGEL than we knew prior to delivery! This will be a long month or two waiting on results. Not knowing if it is something that will continue to happen or something that most likely will not. I do not know how I would be able to handle being told that it will happen again! This pain of not haveing my baby to hold, and not having one to hold ever if that happens- I just do not know! Praying constanly and trying to stay busy, to not think about it to much. STRESS!!! What worries me even more is that we are sure my water broke, thats why i had no fluid, and everything else that happened was a result of having no fluid! My Dr's never really say anything about the fact that my water broke so early, so what if the problem was just that! How do I find out why my water broke? And is there even a way to know if that would happen again? How can they tell me anything at all, if it all happened because MY water broke at 12 - 13 weeks? And why is it that the Dr.'s never really mention that? Well I guess I will just have to wait and see, and will post again as i get some information.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6/24/10
Still no word from the autopsy, waiting as patiently as I can. I did get a picture to okay for how Chandler's headstone will be, it is very cute! But it will not be in for another five or six weeks. I go to his grave atleast once a week, sometimes more. Just to tell him i love him and miss him. I am trying to get myself together enough to return to work but I don't know if I am strong enough to do that yet. Rob is pushing it and I know we need the money but I am scared that I will regress because I will not be happy there. We are pulling through this together with our strong family and friends supporting us!
But to make things worse we have been given some more bad new. My brother's cancer spread to the bone in his arm, his lungs, and is also back in his liver. The cancer spread while he was having chemo treatments. He is getting radiation on his arm for two weeks and the Dr is talking to M D ANDERSON cancer treatment center in TX to see if they can help my brother.
At times it is hard to even get up in the morning, and I have not been able to fall asleep at night since Chandler. I lately have been lucky to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. We have been getting my step daughter alot more recently and that really helps alot! Her smile and laugh can make any day better! She makes it worth getting out of bed! I love that little girl so much! I do not know what I would do without her! I know she makes her Daddy's days easier to! I can see him light up when she is here!
I know everyone says things will get easier as times goes on, but I guess I'm just not to that point yet! I just try to keep myself busy so I do not have as much time to think about it, but at night it is all I can think about! I know he is warching over though, and I see dragonflys everywhere I go. I have started to assocciate him with the dragonflys. They started showing up right after his funeral, and made me think of him. Everytime I have gone to grave since then there has been a dragonfly! It really helps! My sister bought me a necklace with his name birthstone and birthday on it. It is one of my favorite treasures(along with his teddy bears and hat from the hospital and his hand and foot prints). It helps wearing it knowing he is always with me! I guess I will update more later.
_________________________________________________________________________
July 14, 2010
Well, there is still no word from the autopsy yet, I hate this waiting to find out! I want to know what went wrong and if it will happen again or not! I got a few more pictures of Chandler from when I first saw him and got to hold him, when we were still in the operating room. I was very happy to see them! I am glad we have those first few moments in pictures to remember it! I have been spending alot of time with family and friends, it helps alot to cope with everything that is going on. We are still waiting to find out about MD Anderson for my brother and praying daily for anything to help us! Chandler's headstone still has not come in yet but me and Paisley went and bought some balloons for him! She picked a tiara that said PRINCESS so that when we released them to go to heaven he would know that one was from his big sitster! We also got a green star and wrote him messages on it with marker and sent it to him. Paisley is very sure that not only will he get them and like to play with the balloons but that Jesus will read him what we wrote on them and give him hugs and kisses for us! I sure hope she is right! It is so nice to hear how sweet she is about him! and she blows kisses and closes her eyes and says "i love you baby chandler, miss you, love you, see you later alligator" It just melts my heart!! I am most likely going back to work in 2 weeks, I still do not want to go back yet, but i guess it is time to start getting back to normal routines and scheduled life! I just hope that it does not make things worse! Rob seems to be doing better these days, He is working alot but i think it helps him deal with everything. We truely are closer than we have ever been and closer than either of us knew was possible, I am not sure what i would do without him here to support me! We have been talking more and more about another child and i don't think we will be waiting a full year to start trying. Not to replace Chandler in anyway, but to help fill a void in our family that we both need to fill with the love, and what better to love than a precious little baby?
